Friday, July 27, 2012
Garbage Cans and Purgatory
Our kitchen garbage can is actually 24 years old. I bought it when I was pregnant with my oldest son, Jared. And it really is in good condition, considering its age. As my dear step-father would say, it doesn't owe me anything.
The only problem with it is that the lid's opening is in front, versus on the top. So to throw trash away, you have to use your hand -- or the actual trash -- to push the flap in and then you can throw your garbage away by opening your hand and letting it drop. Sometimes it is best to just lift the lid off and throw things away -- this is particularly true with coffee grounds.
Anyhow, it all works perfectly fine for my husband and I but the boys inevitably get the lid covered with food and I am washing the flap of the lid at least 3 times a week.
I recently saw a really nice shiny, new garbage can that had an automatic lid. It is an actual motion sensor so whenever you wave your trash near the lid it opens up -- from the top -- and you can drop your trash in without getting it everywhere. It is battery-powered. I bought it.
When my husband John walked in from work the other day, he looked at the box, read the words "Automatic Lid!" and remained quiet, God bless him.
Then, on the weekend, he patiently opened the box and put the trash can together with its batteries in the lid. Barely speaking a word as he worked, I knew he was going to support me in my quest for a kitchen garbage can that required less clean up. Or at least that’s the story I choose to believe.
Once the can was put together and turned “on,” John lovingly smiled at me (I’m pretty sure it was a smile of love) -- his job was done -- and then he walked past the garbage can and towards the living room.
John's movement was detected by the lid and the lid dutifully opened. Hmmm....we wondered how far the motion detector worked on the thing and soon discovered that the only way to avoid activating the lid was to hug the wall opposite the can, or belly crawl, as we passed.
And still not a word from John as he read through the instructions to see if the lid would work without batteries. Nope.
As I went to get the packaging so we could return the can, I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe.
My Aunt Polly always says that John is going straight to Heaven. "No Purgatory time for this man," is what she says.
I finally agree.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Lot's Wife Syndrome
JUN. 16, 2011 (www.BezalelBooks.com) - When I get invited to speak at women’s events, by far the most popular topic is my “Embracing the Matriarch Within” presentation. This is due, in no small part, to the fact that the topic literally animates me while I speak. In fact, if someone were to tie my hands together and mark an “X” where I was expected to stand, I believe I would become mute.
Yes, I’m a spectacle when I speak – very much like I was when I taught in parochial middle school. I was a veritable jumping bean of enthusiasm for our faith, much to the chagrin of my students.
Fortunately for me, adult women are far more tolerant of my delivery methods than were my students.
No doubt they feel and see that I love talking about Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel and Leah and are quick to understand that what excites me will soon excite each of them.
What I have come to realize is that women tend to completely underestimate the great honor that we each have as matriarchs in our own families.
I’ve also come to see, with great interest, is that one of the women who speaks volumes to women is Lot’s wife.
I know this because of all the comments I receive after the presentation.
“Wow, I never thought about Lot’s wife that way.”
“Gee, Lot’s wife taught me a lot today.”
“I will never look at Lot’s wife the same way again.”
Lot’s wife? You are probably asking yourself about now. Wasn’t she the gal who turned into a pillar of salt? Oh yeah, her life’s message is about obedience. She teaches us to listen and obey. And the excitement about her is because . . . .
And I’ll give you that you’d be half right if this is how you respond to hearing about Lot’s wife and the lesson that we are able to learn from her life.
But when I present my topics on the Matriarchs, I purposely include a number of other women – like Lot’s wife – who, upon closer examination have a deeper message for women today. Women who are not, by strict Jewish standards, considered “Matriarchs” but who, by the very essence of how they lived and what we can cull from their lives, deserve the title in a more esoteric way.
For instance, when I specifically speak about Lot’s wife, I share my belief that while the obvious message is one of obedience, the subtler message is one of “letting go.”
But let’s face it; women tend to struggle with the reality of living either message whether it is one of obedience or one of letting go. I’m not intentionally discriminating against men here. I’m just sharing my direct, personal experiences with women as friends, sisters-in-the-Lord, colleagues, and those I speak with at conferences.
Given our fallen nature, obedience is something we strive daily to attain but more than likely isn’t something we continually succeed at; likewise, letting go of past pains, hurts, and wrong-doings is not quite a woman’s strong suit either.
Women, I have come to see, suffer from what I now like to call “Lot’s Wife Syndrome.”
And I will freely admit to Lot’s Wife Syndrome being a chronic disease in my life, as well. This is probably why I have become so adept at recognizing it.
Every woman I know who is struggling with letting go of something from the past does so because her own heart has been pierced but also because it is in her nature to “hang on” and “persevere” – even with all her baggage in tow. (Here’s where you see me hauling my imaginary baggage across the stage and why I can’t be committed to speaking without hand gestures or being confined to a particular spot.)
Don’t get me wrong about these traits because they are the exact same traits – hanging on and persevering – that make each and every woman an excellent Matriarch candidate. The Matriarchs proper (Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel and Leah) remind us that we are able to be strong in the most difficult of circumstances and that we have an inherent ability to hold our families together through sheer will, want, and prayer. We learn from the Matriarchs how to rely on God’s grace and mercy. They set the groundwork for us to understand that Mary’s fiat is to our earthly lives what Christ’s death and resurrection is to our eternal life.
But life is about balance and so women need to learn how to balance their ability to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders with the need to let go of some of it – especially if they carry it to their own peril.
Lot’s wife didn’t want to let go of her ____; that blank can be filled in many different ways:
Lot’s wife didn’t want to let go of her life as she knew it.
Lot’s wife didn’t want to let go of her pain.
Lot’s wife didn’t want to let go of her hopes and dreams.
Lot’s wife didn’t want to let go of her sorrows as they had become her best friends.
And in not letting go, Lot’s wife paid the ultimate price – her life.
Now change the subject of the sentence to suit your own life:
________ did want to let go of her life as she knew it.
________ did want to let go of her pain.
________ did want to let go of her hopes and dreams.
________ did want to let go of her sorrows as they had become her best friends.
Maybe Lot’s wife was going to have one last look and then planned on throwing herself a pity party. Who knows? But I dare say we’ve all been there, done that. Knowing that it is in our own best interest to let go, leave the past behind, we still manage to make use of pains, hurts, sorrows or broken dreams in one way or another.
Did you know that heart disease is the number one cause of death for American women? This is according to the American Heart Association.
I offer that sidebar of information because it seems to make the lessons of Lot’s wife all the more pertinent for women today. “Letting go” allows our bodies a modicum of stress-relief and frees us to laugh and enjoy more of life. Laughter produces the endorphins and neurotransmitters that reduce stress – often a contributing factor to heart disease. And while I am no doctor, I know that the heavier the load we drag behind us, the more burden it places on our minds, bodies and especially our hearts – emotionally and physically – and thus is best left behind. (Imagine me dragging my baggage ever more slowly across the stage, now stooped by its burdensome weight and size.)
All this isn’t to say that we ought to let go of things without having first let them serve their purpose in our lives. After all, it is often the things that wound us most that also allow us to build virtues such as compassion, kindness, forgiveness and fortitude. But there is a fine line between the building of virtuous characteristics and sending invitations to a full-blown pity party.
We aren’t meant to become martyrs in our own eyes but should be witnessing to the facets of a faith that will draw others in. That involves experiencing pain and sorrow, regret and dashed dreams, as well as what we do with those experiences. Here’s where Lot’s wife becomes a blatant reminder: Do Not Look Back!
This also isn’t to suggest that certain damages, neglects, or abuses from one’s past should be taken lightly or will be forgotten just through sheer, brute will. And in some cases it is clear that professional counseling or services is a necessary part of “letting go.”
But for most of us, letting go is simply a daily “giving over” to Christ. It is that moment in the morning when our thoughts and words turn to Jesus and we share our trust in Him and how He will guide our day, ever at our side.
Editor’s Note: Cheryl Dickow is the author of “Our Jewish Roots: A Catholic Woman’s Guide to Fulfillment Today by Connecting with Her Past.” Cheryl’s website is www.BezalelBooks.com and her phone number is 248-917-3865.
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Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The cycle continues
A Baby's Baby
The cycle continues
By Arwen Mosher
By Arwen Mosher
Camilla runs past me and I pull her in for a hug, which she loves.
She kicks her feet and giggles delightedly as I nuzzle her neck. I whisper, “I love you, baby girl.”
Suddenly she’s serious, twisting to meet my eyes with her wide ones. “No, Mom. I’m a big girl!”
(“Mom!” It just kills me.)
“Of course you are, sweetie, but you’ll always be MY baby.”
Camilla laughs as if she thinks I might be teasing her, but her tone is indignant. “I already just told you! I’m not a baby!”
It seems like minutes ago I was rolling my eyes at my own mother, who kept insisting - long after I was far too big to sit on her lap - that I would always be her baby. Now that I’ve got children of my own, I understand exactly what she meant.
My daughter’s limbs were once tiny and wrinkled, then chubby and dimpled. They are long and slender now, and will only continue to grow. She won’t go back to being a real baby, not ever.
Camilla doesn’t remember the day I first kissed the fuzz on her newborn head. She won’t. Instead, she’ll remember growing bigger, more independent, less tolerant of being called a baby by her sentimental mother.
Someday, though, she might kiss a newborn head of her own. Then she’ll understand how that moment sticks around and how, in a certain sense, a baby is always a baby to her mother.
My mom still says it sometimes, but I never roll my eyes at her now. I get it.
(Love you, Mom!)
Monday, May 24, 2010
Mary at Pentecost
Mary at Pentecost
Finding My Vocation in Her Example
By Sarah Reinhard
I find myself turning to Mary quite a bit in my role as mother. What I have found, when I look to her Pentecost example, is a series of lessons that inspire me to seek her Son in every moment of my day.
All women are called to motherhood.
Many aspects of this vocation didn’t feel natural to me at first. Maybe it’s that I didn’t feel that I deserved the many blessings I found coming to me as I went through my first pregnancy and labor.
Holding my first daughter, I thought of the women I knew who struggled with infertility, with a longing for more children, with miscarriages. I thought of the single women I knew who felt the pull toward marriage, but had no prospects.
I came to appreciate the different types of motherhood, and came to see that spiritual motherhood is a unique role women have been given by God.
There are women who have empty nests and wisdom to share and women with schedules crowded with sippy cups and diapers. But, perhaps unnoticed, there are also women who are single with a great passion for children and women with less children on earth than they have in heaven or in their heart.
In Pentecost, we see the Church as a family gathered together, Mom in our midst. Mary is there with the Apostles, and she encourages me to look around, at my fellow women, and be inspired by their examples of motherhood in all its forms.
We have to start with the present (and our presence).
By the time of Pentecost, the regular band of disciples must have been like a large extended family. And Mary must have been a warm, familiar sight to them. They were worried, and probably a little unsure.
In the Upper Room, Mary shows me the importance of the present, and the significance my mere presence can play. She didn’t miss any of the big events in her Son’s life, from His first step to His first miracle, from His Passion to His Resurrection.
It’s only natural that she’s in the Upper Room, and it underlines the importance of the here-and-now moment in each of our lives. God doesn’t ask us to pine for the past or live in the future; He holds the present before us as a gift given.
In the same way, I see that my presence makes such a difference in people’s lives. While I am not able to be all things to all people – or to be in all places at one time – I can focus my efforts and use Mary’s quiet example at Pentecost as a guiding light.
God is with us in our pain.
I had been dating my husband for a few years when his sister buried a baby. I had never experienced anything like what I witnessed in the months before and after the baby’s birth. We knew the baby would not be healthy, and we knew the likelihood was great that there would be a funeral following the birth. In fact, the doctors were disgusted that she did not have the abortion they scheduled.
On the day of the funeral, I saw my future husband sit tall and straight, his eyes red, even as I saw the grieving father in the front row sit with two young girls on his lap and his arm around his wife.
I had never witnessed grief of that sort, but I had also never seen the kind of hope I saw that day either. There were no recriminations. There were tears, and there was sorrow, but there was also peace.
Did my sister-in-law doubt God’s presence in the midst of her pain? Has she ever shaken her fist, sobbed her heart out, wondered at the cross she carries? When she found herself, once again, at the foot of the Cross with Mary, did she just stop and let Mary hold her?
In my sister-in-law’s example over the years, I have seen how her motherhood extended beyond her four children, two of whom were held first by the Blessed Mother. I watched her embrace other children, care for people, and give of herself unconditionally. She has been, for me, a model of trusting in God’s presence, even through pain beyond imagining.
Our Lady of the Cenacle, pray for us.
Above all, Pentecost gives me another way to invoke Mary. Here she is, patiently waiting. She knows what I’ve gone through, and she knows that there’s hardship ahead. But she smiles anyway. The greatest joy, as she knows so well, comes from always saying “Yes” to God.
—Sarah Reinhard writes online at SnoringScholar.com.
Resources:
- Resources for Spiritual Motherhood
- Mulieris Dignitatem, by John Paul II
- Rosarium Virginis Mariae, by John Paul II
- “On Mary’s Maternal Presence at Pentecost”
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The Passion
The Passion
By Lenora Grimaud
Some might wonder, “Is there any real good that can come of suffering? What is the purpose of suffering?” If we are reflective we can see from our own experiences that suffering produces virtue, when accepted. We grow in patience, perseverance, fortitude, courage, strength, discernment, wisdom, knowledge, understanding, etc. But, what good could come from the passion and death of Jesus? How is suffering redemptive? How is death redemptive?
Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13). To many people, this is foolish, and a waste. They value their own life more than the life of their friends, even if they think their friends will make better use of their life than they would. If they think they are better than their friends, this kind of sacrifice is even more foolish.
Many people, however, are very humble and selfless. They would willingly risk their life to save others—like the helpless and innocent. Very few would risk their life to save a criminal or great sinner—perhaps, none—except for mothers for their children. Many people are also willing to risk their life for a good cause. These are magnanimous souls.
How many people could risk their life—or lay it down—if there was no honor in it; if they had to lay down their reputation and good name as well as their life? Jesus laid down his life, freely, in order to save sinners. He did it for the honor and glory of his Father, as well as to give eternal life to sinners. He also allowed himself to be taken for a criminal and a heretic—not a hero or martyr. Is there any greater act of love than this?
How did this love—this sacrifice of his life—help humanity? How has it saved anyone, let alone sinners? Jesus rose from the dead, proving that he can restore life and give eternal life; proving that he conquered sin and death; proving that he can deliver people from the slavery of sin and transform them into the image of God, by sending them the Holy Spirit. The evidence lies in the thousands of Saints and holy souls that followed after him. It has affected even non-believers. It has even brought about a new evolution of humanity, in spite of all the evil that still exists in the world. The kingdom of God is growing in the hearts of mankind.
Our understanding of what love is, is also growing and deepening. Although they prophesied about the mystery of God’s love, could the prophets have ever been able to conceive of the scope and magnitude of this love? Could they have understood a God who loved his enemies and the enemies of his people—who loved everyone; a God who loved unconditionally; a God who is so merciful, and so powerful that he can change the hearts of his enemies—of the most hardened sinner; a God who was willing to come among them and be with them—be one of them; a God who would lay down his life for them, in flesh and blood?
Christ Jesus, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God something to be grasped. Rather, he emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, coming in human likeness; and found human in appearance, he humbled himself, becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross [public execution of a criminal]. Because of this, God greatly exalted him and bestowed on him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bend, of those in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Phil. 2:6-11)
God is love, and the greatest suffering in life comes from the rejection of love—for both, the one who is loved and the one who loves. God has revealed to us, long ago, that even if we are unfaithful, if we abandon him and reject his love, he will always be faithful to us; he will never abandon us, reject us, or stop loving us. He accepts the pain and suffering of our rejection without retaliation—even if we refuse to repent—and continues to love us.
Unrequited love is somewhat flattering to the one who is loved, at first. But, because they do not return the love—or cannot return it—they reject it. When the one who loves, continues to love, it becomes bitter to the one who is loved. They become angry, and then want to destroy the one who loves them. The suffering that results is terrible for both, the one who loves and the one who is loved. Jesus wept over Jerusalem because they did not realize what was being offered to them, and the consequences of their rejection. (Mat. 23:37)
God loves us unconditionally, with unrequited love. Our rejection of his love brought about his crucifixion. When the first man and woman sinned, it was a rejection of God’s love, and if God had been flesh and blood, their rejection would have resulted in the passion and death of God upon the tree of life. The crucifixion of Jesus is a reenactment of the effect of sin upon God and humanity. Jesus accepted our rejection knowing what it would lead to—even before his incarnation. It was the Father’s will that his son love unconditionally, with the same unrequited love. Love does not, however, end with the cross—with crucifixion. Jesus rose from the dead, revealing the power of enduring love. The cross is not the last word. The cross is God’s act of mercy. Unrequited love will eventually conquer death and separation, and transform our relationship with God into the union of love, not because of us, but because of God’s unending mercy—his ultimate act of love.
The power of unconditional love was not immediately evident at the time of Jesus’ death. His resurrection revealed it to his disciples. It continues to be revealed throughout the ages, through subsequent disciples who love unconditionally, until the kingdom of God is fully established on earth. “The servant is not greater than the master.” (John 15:20) If they persecuted Jesus, they will also persecute his disciples. All suffering in life, even that of the totally innocent, can be traced back to sin—and to original sin—the rejection of God’s love.
When the love of God enables us to accept suffering and unite it to the suffering of Jesus, we continue to proclaim the Gospel—the Good News—and to manifest the unconditional love of God for humanity. When humans accept the mercy of God—his unconditional love for them—even though they do not deserve it, they enable the power of his resurrection—the power of unconditional love—to be made manifest in the world.
This was the message of the prophet, Hosea. His own relationship with his unfaithful wife became a metaphor for the relationship that God has with his people, as well as the whole human race. It has also served to deepen our understanding of the indisolvability of “marriage,” and the kind of love a married couple should have for one another. There have been many marriages in which one spouse, at some point, stops loving the other, or rejects their love. If the other spouse continues to love, unconditionally, there will probably be much suffering and conflict, for awhile. If they persevere, however, it will eventually win the other over. There may need to be a period of separation (a time-out) to allow for a change of heart before one of them destroys the other.
If they do not get a divorce, there is always hope for a reconciliation and union of love. This is why it is necessary for those who enter into marriage, to make a commitment for life to stay in the marriage. Marriage is a covenant of love and there is no love without sacrifice or suffering. Marriage is in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, in good times and bad. The same is true with our covenant with God. We have to trust in him and in his love for us. God never gives up on us and continually pours out his love and mercy on us.
In the book of Jonah, the message was that God is the creator of everyone, and loves everyone. God has no favorites. The “chosen people” were called for the sake of all nations—to be a light to the nations and direct them to God; to be a spokesman for God to reveal his love to all peoples.
In the book of Job, the message was that suffering is not punishment from God for sin. Suffering comes to good people as well as bad. All behavior has its own consequences—we reap what we sew. Nevertheless, the innocent suffer as well as the guilty, and the evil man prospers as well as the righteous man. When we have turned away from God, suffering can be a gift to turn us back to God. When we are righteous, as Job was, and suffering comes to us, we need to trust in God, accept the suffering and continue to trust that God is with us in the suffering and will bring good from it.
God takes no pleasure in seeing his people suffer. Through one man’s (Adam) sin, all of creation was wounded. All of creation is connected. When one person suffers, the whole of creation suffers. Through one man’s perfect act of love (only God is perfect) the whole of creation is healed and renewed—transformed. God did not come to destroy the world, but to save it. Sin is like the radio-active fall-out from a hydrogen bomb. It affects everything—all life on earth—people, animals, plants, water, air, and earth. God does not send natural disasters. They come from the impurities and imbalance in nature caused by sin. If a whole city repents (Nineveh) and turns to God, the elements of nature are affected, as well. To repent is to be with God—to receive his love and protection. To be separated from God (sin) is to be subject to destruction.
God is not a destroyer. The plagues of Egypt did not come from the hand of God. They were the result of nature rebelling against sin—cause and effect. Suffering is our rebellion against sin, because we were created for union with God. God could have intervened and stopped the plagues if Egypt would have allowed him to (as Jesus calmed the storms at sea). The Hebrews were saved by God because God was with them and they were with God, through obedience. God did not destroy Egypt, he saved the Hebrews.
The human body is always trying to heal itself of its impurities and disease. Nature does the same, through what appears to be natural disasters or interventions of God.
Some holy souls absorb the impurities of others into their own body like one who sucks out the venom of a snake bite in another person. Some nations do the same. They are a sign of the “Cross” for the world. These are the poor and the innocent ones. They become a sacrifice of love, uniting their suffering with Jesus—the sacrificial lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world.
Notes to: “The Passion”
By Lenora Grimaud
Notes: I do not mean to imply that the pain we cause God by our rejection of his love is the same as that experienced by a person who experiences “unrequited romantic love.” Unrequited romantic love is painful to the ego and is not selfless love. This pain is the self-inflicted pain of not getting our own way—getting what we want. The “unrequited love” of God causes God pain, not because our rejection of him hurts him, but because it hurts us. God pursues us with his love like “the hound of heaven,” but he never forces his love upon us. He weeps over us because our rejection leads us toward death. An example of God’s pain of “unrequited love” is the pain of the Father in the parable of “The Prodigal Son,” (Lk.15:11-32) and Jesus, “weeping over Jerusalem” (Lk.13:34-35).
The relationship between a husband and wife is an exclusive relationship. A marriage is a relationship between one man and one woman. They each jealously guard this relationship against false lovers who attempt to break their covenant with each other. Righteous jealousy should not to be confused with the jealousy that comes from our ego, or lower nature. Righteous jealousy is comparable to the zeal of the “Shepherd” who guards and protects his sheep from the thief and the wolf, who comes to steal and to destroy the sheep. (John 10:11-16)
“God is a jealous God!” There can only be one God, who is God over all peoples. The “bride” is a metaphor for the human race—the people of God. The bride is inclusive of all humans. There is only one God, however, who makes a covenant with all humans—beginning with the first man and woman, who represent all humans.
There is no place for false gods in this covenant relationship. There is only one “Shepherd.” God jealously guards his people against thieves and hirelings who try to take his place, but he will not stoop to compete with them. He jealously guards his people because of what will become of them if they become slaves of false gods, and so he will never abandon them. He goes in search of them when they become lost, and never gives up until he rescues them. Jesus came to save the whole world. Not all of the sheep know the voice of the “Shepherd,” or follow him. They are not yet part of the flock. God will not rest until he has all his sheep back.
“And there are other sheep I have that are not of this fold, and these I have to lead as well. They too will listen to my voice, and there will be only one flock, and one shepherd.” (Jn. 10:16)
In a true marriage, there can only be one husband and one wife. Jesus said: “Have you not read that the creator from the beginning made them male and female and that he said: This is why a man must leave father and mother, and cling to his wife, and the two become one body? They are no longer two, therefore, but one body. So then, what God has united, man must not divide.” (Mat. 19:4-6) God took woman from out of man and formed her (Gen. 2:21-24).
He created man and woman for union—to be one, through marriage. This is not so of two women or two men, or of a human with an animal, or of a man and woman outside of marriage, or of an adult and a child. A husband and wife should be a matched pair, like two shoes—the same size and style, but, a left shoe and a right shoe. A marriage should be a perfect fit—a good match.
By Lenora Grimaud
Some might wonder, “Is there any real good that can come of suffering? What is the purpose of suffering?” If we are reflective we can see from our own experiences that suffering produces virtue, when accepted. We grow in patience, perseverance, fortitude, courage, strength, discernment, wisdom, knowledge, understanding, etc. But, what good could come from the passion and death of Jesus? How is suffering redemptive? How is death redemptive?
Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13). To many people, this is foolish, and a waste. They value their own life more than the life of their friends, even if they think their friends will make better use of their life than they would. If they think they are better than their friends, this kind of sacrifice is even more foolish.
Many people, however, are very humble and selfless. They would willingly risk their life to save others—like the helpless and innocent. Very few would risk their life to save a criminal or great sinner—perhaps, none—except for mothers for their children. Many people are also willing to risk their life for a good cause. These are magnanimous souls.
How many people could risk their life—or lay it down—if there was no honor in it; if they had to lay down their reputation and good name as well as their life? Jesus laid down his life, freely, in order to save sinners. He did it for the honor and glory of his Father, as well as to give eternal life to sinners. He also allowed himself to be taken for a criminal and a heretic—not a hero or martyr. Is there any greater act of love than this?
How did this love—this sacrifice of his life—help humanity? How has it saved anyone, let alone sinners? Jesus rose from the dead, proving that he can restore life and give eternal life; proving that he conquered sin and death; proving that he can deliver people from the slavery of sin and transform them into the image of God, by sending them the Holy Spirit. The evidence lies in the thousands of Saints and holy souls that followed after him. It has affected even non-believers. It has even brought about a new evolution of humanity, in spite of all the evil that still exists in the world. The kingdom of God is growing in the hearts of mankind.
Our understanding of what love is, is also growing and deepening. Although they prophesied about the mystery of God’s love, could the prophets have ever been able to conceive of the scope and magnitude of this love? Could they have understood a God who loved his enemies and the enemies of his people—who loved everyone; a God who loved unconditionally; a God who is so merciful, and so powerful that he can change the hearts of his enemies—of the most hardened sinner; a God who was willing to come among them and be with them—be one of them; a God who would lay down his life for them, in flesh and blood?
Christ Jesus, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God something to be grasped. Rather, he emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, coming in human likeness; and found human in appearance, he humbled himself, becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross [public execution of a criminal]. Because of this, God greatly exalted him and bestowed on him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bend, of those in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Phil. 2:6-11)
God is love, and the greatest suffering in life comes from the rejection of love—for both, the one who is loved and the one who loves. God has revealed to us, long ago, that even if we are unfaithful, if we abandon him and reject his love, he will always be faithful to us; he will never abandon us, reject us, or stop loving us. He accepts the pain and suffering of our rejection without retaliation—even if we refuse to repent—and continues to love us.
Unrequited love is somewhat flattering to the one who is loved, at first. But, because they do not return the love—or cannot return it—they reject it. When the one who loves, continues to love, it becomes bitter to the one who is loved. They become angry, and then want to destroy the one who loves them. The suffering that results is terrible for both, the one who loves and the one who is loved. Jesus wept over Jerusalem because they did not realize what was being offered to them, and the consequences of their rejection. (Mat. 23:37)
God loves us unconditionally, with unrequited love. Our rejection of his love brought about his crucifixion. When the first man and woman sinned, it was a rejection of God’s love, and if God had been flesh and blood, their rejection would have resulted in the passion and death of God upon the tree of life. The crucifixion of Jesus is a reenactment of the effect of sin upon God and humanity. Jesus accepted our rejection knowing what it would lead to—even before his incarnation. It was the Father’s will that his son love unconditionally, with the same unrequited love. Love does not, however, end with the cross—with crucifixion. Jesus rose from the dead, revealing the power of enduring love. The cross is not the last word. The cross is God’s act of mercy. Unrequited love will eventually conquer death and separation, and transform our relationship with God into the union of love, not because of us, but because of God’s unending mercy—his ultimate act of love.
The power of unconditional love was not immediately evident at the time of Jesus’ death. His resurrection revealed it to his disciples. It continues to be revealed throughout the ages, through subsequent disciples who love unconditionally, until the kingdom of God is fully established on earth. “The servant is not greater than the master.” (John 15:20) If they persecuted Jesus, they will also persecute his disciples. All suffering in life, even that of the totally innocent, can be traced back to sin—and to original sin—the rejection of God’s love.
When the love of God enables us to accept suffering and unite it to the suffering of Jesus, we continue to proclaim the Gospel—the Good News—and to manifest the unconditional love of God for humanity. When humans accept the mercy of God—his unconditional love for them—even though they do not deserve it, they enable the power of his resurrection—the power of unconditional love—to be made manifest in the world.
This was the message of the prophet, Hosea. His own relationship with his unfaithful wife became a metaphor for the relationship that God has with his people, as well as the whole human race. It has also served to deepen our understanding of the indisolvability of “marriage,” and the kind of love a married couple should have for one another. There have been many marriages in which one spouse, at some point, stops loving the other, or rejects their love. If the other spouse continues to love, unconditionally, there will probably be much suffering and conflict, for awhile. If they persevere, however, it will eventually win the other over. There may need to be a period of separation (a time-out) to allow for a change of heart before one of them destroys the other.
If they do not get a divorce, there is always hope for a reconciliation and union of love. This is why it is necessary for those who enter into marriage, to make a commitment for life to stay in the marriage. Marriage is a covenant of love and there is no love without sacrifice or suffering. Marriage is in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, in good times and bad. The same is true with our covenant with God. We have to trust in him and in his love for us. God never gives up on us and continually pours out his love and mercy on us.
In the book of Jonah, the message was that God is the creator of everyone, and loves everyone. God has no favorites. The “chosen people” were called for the sake of all nations—to be a light to the nations and direct them to God; to be a spokesman for God to reveal his love to all peoples.
In the book of Job, the message was that suffering is not punishment from God for sin. Suffering comes to good people as well as bad. All behavior has its own consequences—we reap what we sew. Nevertheless, the innocent suffer as well as the guilty, and the evil man prospers as well as the righteous man. When we have turned away from God, suffering can be a gift to turn us back to God. When we are righteous, as Job was, and suffering comes to us, we need to trust in God, accept the suffering and continue to trust that God is with us in the suffering and will bring good from it.
God takes no pleasure in seeing his people suffer. Through one man’s (Adam) sin, all of creation was wounded. All of creation is connected. When one person suffers, the whole of creation suffers. Through one man’s perfect act of love (only God is perfect) the whole of creation is healed and renewed—transformed. God did not come to destroy the world, but to save it. Sin is like the radio-active fall-out from a hydrogen bomb. It affects everything—all life on earth—people, animals, plants, water, air, and earth. God does not send natural disasters. They come from the impurities and imbalance in nature caused by sin. If a whole city repents (Nineveh) and turns to God, the elements of nature are affected, as well. To repent is to be with God—to receive his love and protection. To be separated from God (sin) is to be subject to destruction.
God is not a destroyer. The plagues of Egypt did not come from the hand of God. They were the result of nature rebelling against sin—cause and effect. Suffering is our rebellion against sin, because we were created for union with God. God could have intervened and stopped the plagues if Egypt would have allowed him to (as Jesus calmed the storms at sea). The Hebrews were saved by God because God was with them and they were with God, through obedience. God did not destroy Egypt, he saved the Hebrews.
The human body is always trying to heal itself of its impurities and disease. Nature does the same, through what appears to be natural disasters or interventions of God.
Some holy souls absorb the impurities of others into their own body like one who sucks out the venom of a snake bite in another person. Some nations do the same. They are a sign of the “Cross” for the world. These are the poor and the innocent ones. They become a sacrifice of love, uniting their suffering with Jesus—the sacrificial lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world.
Notes to: “The Passion”
By Lenora Grimaud
Notes: I do not mean to imply that the pain we cause God by our rejection of his love is the same as that experienced by a person who experiences “unrequited romantic love.” Unrequited romantic love is painful to the ego and is not selfless love. This pain is the self-inflicted pain of not getting our own way—getting what we want. The “unrequited love” of God causes God pain, not because our rejection of him hurts him, but because it hurts us. God pursues us with his love like “the hound of heaven,” but he never forces his love upon us. He weeps over us because our rejection leads us toward death. An example of God’s pain of “unrequited love” is the pain of the Father in the parable of “The Prodigal Son,” (Lk.15:11-32) and Jesus, “weeping over Jerusalem” (Lk.13:34-35).
The relationship between a husband and wife is an exclusive relationship. A marriage is a relationship between one man and one woman. They each jealously guard this relationship against false lovers who attempt to break their covenant with each other. Righteous jealousy should not to be confused with the jealousy that comes from our ego, or lower nature. Righteous jealousy is comparable to the zeal of the “Shepherd” who guards and protects his sheep from the thief and the wolf, who comes to steal and to destroy the sheep. (John 10:11-16)
“God is a jealous God!” There can only be one God, who is God over all peoples. The “bride” is a metaphor for the human race—the people of God. The bride is inclusive of all humans. There is only one God, however, who makes a covenant with all humans—beginning with the first man and woman, who represent all humans.
There is no place for false gods in this covenant relationship. There is only one “Shepherd.” God jealously guards his people against thieves and hirelings who try to take his place, but he will not stoop to compete with them. He jealously guards his people because of what will become of them if they become slaves of false gods, and so he will never abandon them. He goes in search of them when they become lost, and never gives up until he rescues them. Jesus came to save the whole world. Not all of the sheep know the voice of the “Shepherd,” or follow him. They are not yet part of the flock. God will not rest until he has all his sheep back.
“And there are other sheep I have that are not of this fold, and these I have to lead as well. They too will listen to my voice, and there will be only one flock, and one shepherd.” (Jn. 10:16)
In a true marriage, there can only be one husband and one wife. Jesus said: “Have you not read that the creator from the beginning made them male and female and that he said: This is why a man must leave father and mother, and cling to his wife, and the two become one body? They are no longer two, therefore, but one body. So then, what God has united, man must not divide.” (Mat. 19:4-6) God took woman from out of man and formed her (Gen. 2:21-24).
He created man and woman for union—to be one, through marriage. This is not so of two women or two men, or of a human with an animal, or of a man and woman outside of marriage, or of an adult and a child. A husband and wife should be a matched pair, like two shoes—the same size and style, but, a left shoe and a right shoe. A marriage should be a perfect fit—a good match.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Who Told You You Weren’t Beautiful?
Who Told You You Weren’t Beautiful?
By Msgr. Charles Pope
We live today with very high expectations of many things. Culturally we have very demanding standards for beauty, especially in regard to women. We expect them to have appealing “curves” but be slender etc. Even ordinary weight is considered by many as unattractive. All this obsession with perfection leads to low self esteem among women and men too.
Further, these high expectations of zero body fat and perfect shape, hair color, skin tone etc. leads to hypercritical and hurtful remarks. There is an old saying that “expectations are premeditated resentments.” Hence this attitude also may have to do with marriage difficulties as the near perfect bodies of youth give way to the more “settled” bodies of middle age and beyond. (Gravity and age do have their effects and even if you weighed what you did in High School it doesn’t look the same!)
Plastic surgery is a miracle for those with truly catastrophic injury or deformities but today it is too often the refuge of those who have become obsessed with how they look and how they think others regard them. Oh to be free of such obsessions! The picture to the right depicts a woman but men have the problem too.
Help me Lord to be little more comfortable in my own skin. Help me to accept that you like both tall and short people because you made them both. Both the blond and the brunette are from your hand, wavy hair, straight hair wirey hair are all from you and apparently to your liking. Thin and hefty, black, white and all between are from your artistic hand. Help me to love me as you made me. If I should lose weight for health’s sake help me, but if its only about what others might think of me, free me.
Watch this video and see how a very lovely young woman is not lovely enough. She has to be altered, “perfected.” And when simple natural enhancements are not enough her image must be furthered altered on a computer. Message: the perfect beauty does not exist for the world of media. She must be invented. Then everyone can pine after and spend large amounts of money and time trying look like someone who doesn’t even exist.
Click here to view full article from Archdiocese of Washinton.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Sex and the Catholic Woman
Sex and the Catholic Woman
By Cheryl Dickow
My first job after college graduation was as a “Training Specialist” at a large corporation. I taught computer software classes. It was the mid-80’s and I had all sorts of plans for life. I had just delivered my first son and my sister was his caregiver during my long days at work. I loved my job, I loved my new baby, and I loved my husband. Although the plan was to essentially have it all, I can’t say it was as much my own personal goals as simply the general goals of women my age. Many of us weren’t consciously choosing this life; rather, we were swept along in the tides of liberation. I suppose many of my generation probably felt obligated to at least make a nominal grab at the brass ring, after all, our predecessors had done an awful lot of bra-burning and picketing to make our life better. Right?
So, when a page from a 50’s woman’s magazine made its way around the office, and then was posted in the break room for all of us to see, we chuckled -- as required -- and poked fun at the list of “Wifely Duties” as laid out in the one page copy.
I can remember that day as if it were yesterday because there was something deep down inside of me that stirred in response to that 50’s woman’s magazine. And the stirring wasn’t anger or resentment but a sort of envy. “Hmmm,” I pondered, “what would that life be like?” Her obligations may have appeared a bit different than mine but had to be just as demanding and I would imagine just as fulfilling and frustrating as well. To this day I believe that most of the young women who ridiculed that picture had to have some sort of recognition that “wifely duties” weren’t all bad things. In fact, I’m sure that every woman who laughed at the idea has her own list of “husbandly duties” and wouldn’t think twice of adding to it.
No matter what age they live in, women will always have certain obligations if they have been called to the vocation of marriage. Some obligations will be embraced while others will be considered necessary but unpleasant. This attitude towards these “duties” is certainly affected by the culture, as witnessed from the magazine page all the way through today’s Hollywood messages. Cleaning bathrooms is probably at the top of the “necessary but unpleasant” list, should a woman be asked to make such an inventory. Sadly, however, what may very well compete for one of the top spots of this imaginary “necessary-but-unpleasant” list of wifely duties happens to be sexual relations with her husband.
I will admit right here and now that I’m not big on statistics. It seems that just about anyone can find at least one study done by some particular group or another that will support an argument being put forth. So, I am positive there are studies that will show that many women have stopped having sexual relations with their husband after 15 years of marriage while others will say some enjoy an active sex life well into their 50th year of marriage. But let’s face it, many of us know of someone – and that someone might be you -- for whom marital sex has become a “chore” or is no longer part of the marriage. Or, it may occur once a month or every other month. I know many such women, all with varying reasons, for whom sex is non-existent or barely existent within their marriage.
But is this good for the woman? The marriage? What does this say to the husband? The Catechism of the Catholic Church # 2332 states:
Sexuality affects all aspects of the human person in the unity of his body and soul. It especially concerns affectivity, the capacity to love and procreate, and in a more general way the aptitude for forming bonds of communion with others.
In regards to the sexual nature of the married man and woman there is a bond that forms, and continues to develop, that will be unlike any other bond that this same man and woman would be able to form with any other person. To deny the development of this bond is to deny a unique communion of these two people who will otherwise never be able to know such a bond on earth. In other words, the physical intimacy of their union is such that nothing else will ever be like it or will ever produce the same results – whether this means children or an intimacy experienced that is holy and from God.
JPII taught very clearly on the “gift of self” and when a woman understands that gift of self has many dimensions, she will also see that one of those dimensions is the physical way in which she can give herself to her husband. A husband, then, also has obligations as the “receiver” of this gift. Jewish law teaches that a man who pleases his wife is doing a mitzvah – a good deed. This teaching is many thousands of years old and clearly based upon the understanding that God created the martial union for the pleasure of both husband and wife but also in the ways in which it elevates them as pro-creators with God. The rules and regulations of sexual intimacy between a Jewish husband and wife are many and are meant for their mutual benefit. Of those laws there are specific ones in regards to what is not acceptable. This includes exploitation, rape, incest, coercion, or subjugation of another person.
Sex within a marriage is considered sacred. Jewish teaching says that it is a sin not to enjoy sexual intimacy within marriage.
If we can collectively agree that the need to practice self-control is a given part of man’s nature – and we are specifically speaking about “man,” then wives should feel an obligation to at least consider ways in which their denial of sex puts undue strain upon the expectation of a husband’s fidelity. While this does not give a man freedom to place blame on a woman for his infidelity, it does make it necessary for a woman to take responsibility for her decisions regarding withholding sex in a marriage.
The sexual revolution screamed for women to take control of their bodies, to no longer be tied to one man, to have control over their sexual reproduction. When a woman responded to the sexual revolution with an attitude that her body was specifically hers to give or keep, all else became secondary. Most specifically, this attitude ended up in the marriage bed where a woman was now “expected” to withhold herself even if it was just to make a statement. It was all about “her” and not about “them.” Women were now “in charge” of everything and men were on their way to paying the price for whatever role they may or may not have had in the repression of women. Emasculation began in full.
Let’s say this same woman, who no longer gave freely of herself in bed, was married to a man who woke up one Saturday and said, “Honey, I need a break today. Is it okay with you if I don’t cut the lawn?”
All other things being equal – meaning we assume this husband is responsible and a good husband and father – this wife’s response will be something like this, “Sure! There won’t be any problem if it waits till next week.”
The week then passes and Saturday morning the wife fully expects that the lawn will be cut because now it is getting a bit long and the neighbors are eyeing it. The husband wakes up and stretches his arms out and says a bit sheepishly, “Gee, it was good to take a break from cutting the lawn last week. What could another week hurt?” To which the wife’s dismay may be seen on her face but she is willing to let it slide.
By the third week the husband no longer cares about the lawn. The wife could hire someone to cut it but the husband would be furious and she is left seeing her husband in a less than stellar light. This continues and then begins to affect additional aspects of how each views the other. This was a conscious choice of the husband’s, not to cut the lawn. It wasn’t something that was out of his control. This isn’t to say that he was always in the mood to cut the lawn but that, regardless of the mood, it was something that he should be doing.
Is it ridiculous to expect the husband to cut the lawn? I think not.
Is it unreasonable for a wife to give herself to her husband even is she is not “in the mood?” I think not.
But this brings us back to the point where there has to be a common understanding that the union of a husband and a wife is a gift from God. Both ought to come to a place in their marriage where they see this union as a way for them to grow and develop together. Whether they are in the middle of child-bearing years or at a time when the union itself offers an intimacy that can only be had within that union, a married couple should see their sexual relationship as holy and sacred. A husband should learn ways in which he can romance his wife and put her in the mood while a wife should learn ways in which she can still give of herself when the mood doesn’t manifest.
It is not right for a woman to expect faithfulness from her husband and yet stack everything against his being able to be faithful. It also is not right for a husband to always expect his wife to be intimate as her emotional and physical make-up is different than his and requires different stimulus, so to speak. However, and most importantly, it is not right for either a husband and a wife to believe that “duties” are not part of the marriage.
I know a woman who, for physical reasons, began abstaining from relations with her husband. The reasons were legitimate, her ailments real. But as time wore on, and the reasons for abstaining from a sexual relationship began to wane, the physical intimacy did not get re-established. In the interim, her expectations of her husband’s patience for the situation continued to mount. “If he loves me,” she would say, “he will know that I just can’t.” And, of course, he did love her. He loved her tremendously, but his physical needs were just as real as her ailments and as time went on, and he could see that she was not going to make an effort towards the intimacy they once had – even if it would be different because of time and circumstances – and he began to question her love for him. His final, painful conclusion was that she no longer loved him and their marriage ultimately ended.
Surely blame can be laid at the feet of both husband and wife and yet there can be no argument that the husband’s need for physical love from his wife was as real as his wife’s need for abstinence at the outset of her medical condition. But once things began to change, there needed to be a renewed interest in their physical love for one another. Two very real Catholic teachings on marriage are important to understand when discussing a sexual relationship for husband and wife.
The first is to recognize that a married couple’s combined goal is to help one another get to heaven. This involves the day-to-day responsibilities that require patience, perseverance, and commitment to the union and the family unit. In addition, to achieve this goal, both husband and wife must be interested in the faith development of the other and not only support and encourage it but never become a hindrance to it.
The second is to recognize what we read in Matthew 5:27-28:
You have heard that it is said, “You shall not commit adultery.” But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
In other words, a wife should be cautious and not put her husband in a position where he will surely have committed adultery in his heart, break the sixth commandment, and then fall into mortal sin. The husband still has his own responsibilities and obligations to keep himself from mortal sin but the wife should not become “Eve” in her marriage.
The great Jewish sage, Maimonides wrote:
No prohibition in all the Torah is as difficult to keep as that of forbidden unions and illicit sexual relations.
The knowledge that the physical intimacy that can exist between a husband and a wife is also something that can exist as an urge outside of that union has always been recognized. But just as it is recognized, it is expected to be controlled. Catholicism has long taught the virtue of self-control and it is completely reasonable for a wife to expect that virtue to be practiced by her husband. However, she should not put him in a position that the virtue becomes impossible to attain.
In the end, both a husband and a wife have duties or obligations to one another. The good Lord has made one of those obligations physical and sacred. It is meant for their mutual pleasure and continued growth as man and wife. It can be used as one part of an earthly journey where the ultimate destination is heaven or it can be misused and become a instrument of control or sorrow. For each to fully embrace the gift of physical love, both husband and wife are obligated to fulfill their duties with love, honor, and respect.
Cheryl Dickow is the Associate Editor of www.Woman.CatholicExchange.com an online magazine for Catholic women.
By Cheryl Dickow
My first job after college graduation was as a “Training Specialist” at a large corporation. I taught computer software classes. It was the mid-80’s and I had all sorts of plans for life. I had just delivered my first son and my sister was his caregiver during my long days at work. I loved my job, I loved my new baby, and I loved my husband. Although the plan was to essentially have it all, I can’t say it was as much my own personal goals as simply the general goals of women my age. Many of us weren’t consciously choosing this life; rather, we were swept along in the tides of liberation. I suppose many of my generation probably felt obligated to at least make a nominal grab at the brass ring, after all, our predecessors had done an awful lot of bra-burning and picketing to make our life better. Right?So, when a page from a 50’s woman’s magazine made its way around the office, and then was posted in the break room for all of us to see, we chuckled -- as required -- and poked fun at the list of “Wifely Duties” as laid out in the one page copy.
I can remember that day as if it were yesterday because there was something deep down inside of me that stirred in response to that 50’s woman’s magazine. And the stirring wasn’t anger or resentment but a sort of envy. “Hmmm,” I pondered, “what would that life be like?” Her obligations may have appeared a bit different than mine but had to be just as demanding and I would imagine just as fulfilling and frustrating as well. To this day I believe that most of the young women who ridiculed that picture had to have some sort of recognition that “wifely duties” weren’t all bad things. In fact, I’m sure that every woman who laughed at the idea has her own list of “husbandly duties” and wouldn’t think twice of adding to it.
No matter what age they live in, women will always have certain obligations if they have been called to the vocation of marriage. Some obligations will be embraced while others will be considered necessary but unpleasant. This attitude towards these “duties” is certainly affected by the culture, as witnessed from the magazine page all the way through today’s Hollywood messages. Cleaning bathrooms is probably at the top of the “necessary but unpleasant” list, should a woman be asked to make such an inventory. Sadly, however, what may very well compete for one of the top spots of this imaginary “necessary-but-unpleasant” list of wifely duties happens to be sexual relations with her husband.
I will admit right here and now that I’m not big on statistics. It seems that just about anyone can find at least one study done by some particular group or another that will support an argument being put forth. So, I am positive there are studies that will show that many women have stopped having sexual relations with their husband after 15 years of marriage while others will say some enjoy an active sex life well into their 50th year of marriage. But let’s face it, many of us know of someone – and that someone might be you -- for whom marital sex has become a “chore” or is no longer part of the marriage. Or, it may occur once a month or every other month. I know many such women, all with varying reasons, for whom sex is non-existent or barely existent within their marriage.
But is this good for the woman? The marriage? What does this say to the husband? The Catechism of the Catholic Church # 2332 states:
Sexuality affects all aspects of the human person in the unity of his body and soul. It especially concerns affectivity, the capacity to love and procreate, and in a more general way the aptitude for forming bonds of communion with others.
In regards to the sexual nature of the married man and woman there is a bond that forms, and continues to develop, that will be unlike any other bond that this same man and woman would be able to form with any other person. To deny the development of this bond is to deny a unique communion of these two people who will otherwise never be able to know such a bond on earth. In other words, the physical intimacy of their union is such that nothing else will ever be like it or will ever produce the same results – whether this means children or an intimacy experienced that is holy and from God.
JPII taught very clearly on the “gift of self” and when a woman understands that gift of self has many dimensions, she will also see that one of those dimensions is the physical way in which she can give herself to her husband. A husband, then, also has obligations as the “receiver” of this gift. Jewish law teaches that a man who pleases his wife is doing a mitzvah – a good deed. This teaching is many thousands of years old and clearly based upon the understanding that God created the martial union for the pleasure of both husband and wife but also in the ways in which it elevates them as pro-creators with God. The rules and regulations of sexual intimacy between a Jewish husband and wife are many and are meant for their mutual benefit. Of those laws there are specific ones in regards to what is not acceptable. This includes exploitation, rape, incest, coercion, or subjugation of another person.
Sex within a marriage is considered sacred. Jewish teaching says that it is a sin not to enjoy sexual intimacy within marriage.
If we can collectively agree that the need to practice self-control is a given part of man’s nature – and we are specifically speaking about “man,” then wives should feel an obligation to at least consider ways in which their denial of sex puts undue strain upon the expectation of a husband’s fidelity. While this does not give a man freedom to place blame on a woman for his infidelity, it does make it necessary for a woman to take responsibility for her decisions regarding withholding sex in a marriage.
The sexual revolution screamed for women to take control of their bodies, to no longer be tied to one man, to have control over their sexual reproduction. When a woman responded to the sexual revolution with an attitude that her body was specifically hers to give or keep, all else became secondary. Most specifically, this attitude ended up in the marriage bed where a woman was now “expected” to withhold herself even if it was just to make a statement. It was all about “her” and not about “them.” Women were now “in charge” of everything and men were on their way to paying the price for whatever role they may or may not have had in the repression of women. Emasculation began in full.
Let’s say this same woman, who no longer gave freely of herself in bed, was married to a man who woke up one Saturday and said, “Honey, I need a break today. Is it okay with you if I don’t cut the lawn?”
All other things being equal – meaning we assume this husband is responsible and a good husband and father – this wife’s response will be something like this, “Sure! There won’t be any problem if it waits till next week.”
The week then passes and Saturday morning the wife fully expects that the lawn will be cut because now it is getting a bit long and the neighbors are eyeing it. The husband wakes up and stretches his arms out and says a bit sheepishly, “Gee, it was good to take a break from cutting the lawn last week. What could another week hurt?” To which the wife’s dismay may be seen on her face but she is willing to let it slide.
By the third week the husband no longer cares about the lawn. The wife could hire someone to cut it but the husband would be furious and she is left seeing her husband in a less than stellar light. This continues and then begins to affect additional aspects of how each views the other. This was a conscious choice of the husband’s, not to cut the lawn. It wasn’t something that was out of his control. This isn’t to say that he was always in the mood to cut the lawn but that, regardless of the mood, it was something that he should be doing.
Is it ridiculous to expect the husband to cut the lawn? I think not.
Is it unreasonable for a wife to give herself to her husband even is she is not “in the mood?” I think not.
But this brings us back to the point where there has to be a common understanding that the union of a husband and a wife is a gift from God. Both ought to come to a place in their marriage where they see this union as a way for them to grow and develop together. Whether they are in the middle of child-bearing years or at a time when the union itself offers an intimacy that can only be had within that union, a married couple should see their sexual relationship as holy and sacred. A husband should learn ways in which he can romance his wife and put her in the mood while a wife should learn ways in which she can still give of herself when the mood doesn’t manifest.
It is not right for a woman to expect faithfulness from her husband and yet stack everything against his being able to be faithful. It also is not right for a husband to always expect his wife to be intimate as her emotional and physical make-up is different than his and requires different stimulus, so to speak. However, and most importantly, it is not right for either a husband and a wife to believe that “duties” are not part of the marriage.
I know a woman who, for physical reasons, began abstaining from relations with her husband. The reasons were legitimate, her ailments real. But as time wore on, and the reasons for abstaining from a sexual relationship began to wane, the physical intimacy did not get re-established. In the interim, her expectations of her husband’s patience for the situation continued to mount. “If he loves me,” she would say, “he will know that I just can’t.” And, of course, he did love her. He loved her tremendously, but his physical needs were just as real as her ailments and as time went on, and he could see that she was not going to make an effort towards the intimacy they once had – even if it would be different because of time and circumstances – and he began to question her love for him. His final, painful conclusion was that she no longer loved him and their marriage ultimately ended.
Surely blame can be laid at the feet of both husband and wife and yet there can be no argument that the husband’s need for physical love from his wife was as real as his wife’s need for abstinence at the outset of her medical condition. But once things began to change, there needed to be a renewed interest in their physical love for one another. Two very real Catholic teachings on marriage are important to understand when discussing a sexual relationship for husband and wife.
The first is to recognize that a married couple’s combined goal is to help one another get to heaven. This involves the day-to-day responsibilities that require patience, perseverance, and commitment to the union and the family unit. In addition, to achieve this goal, both husband and wife must be interested in the faith development of the other and not only support and encourage it but never become a hindrance to it.
The second is to recognize what we read in Matthew 5:27-28:
You have heard that it is said, “You shall not commit adultery.” But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
In other words, a wife should be cautious and not put her husband in a position where he will surely have committed adultery in his heart, break the sixth commandment, and then fall into mortal sin. The husband still has his own responsibilities and obligations to keep himself from mortal sin but the wife should not become “Eve” in her marriage.
The great Jewish sage, Maimonides wrote:
No prohibition in all the Torah is as difficult to keep as that of forbidden unions and illicit sexual relations.
The knowledge that the physical intimacy that can exist between a husband and a wife is also something that can exist as an urge outside of that union has always been recognized. But just as it is recognized, it is expected to be controlled. Catholicism has long taught the virtue of self-control and it is completely reasonable for a wife to expect that virtue to be practiced by her husband. However, she should not put him in a position that the virtue becomes impossible to attain.
In the end, both a husband and a wife have duties or obligations to one another. The good Lord has made one of those obligations physical and sacred. It is meant for their mutual pleasure and continued growth as man and wife. It can be used as one part of an earthly journey where the ultimate destination is heaven or it can be misused and become a instrument of control or sorrow. For each to fully embrace the gift of physical love, both husband and wife are obligated to fulfill their duties with love, honor, and respect.
Cheryl Dickow is the Associate Editor of www.Woman.CatholicExchange.com an online magazine for Catholic women.
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